Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Sick with and of grief

My step dad died yesterday. Months of cancer and related treatment with no hope at the end of it and still I'm felled at this point.

I can't properly cry yet. I'm mostly frozen emotionally, with just the odd leak of a few tears before I clam up again. Either that or I'm insanely angry at something stupid, some thing that's out of my control. I've been a touchy cow for months at work while dealing with this. Ridiculously cross at colleagues' actions or inability to follow processes and procedures.

I'm already sick of grief. Knowing that this is just the start and that I will go through it, work through it, follow my own path through it does not make it any more welcome. I'm not resisting it, more acknowledging that it's a visitor none of us want.

The thing I already hate about it is how overbearing it is. How it takes over everything. I'm heading into work, dreading the solicitation this news brings and delaying sharing it. The caring, gentle consideration and the head tilt. All well meaning but just at this moment (but probably not in 5 minutes), too much to bear when all I want to do is be the workplace bitch, the money dragon. Just for a few minutes, just for a refuge, just to catch a bit of normal before the tears come crashing in.
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